Plead With Me

It has been a rough summer for us and it looks like it will continue to be rough for a while. Kristin and I received news this past Wednesday that my dad has cancer. We do not know how severe it is but it appears to be fairly concerning. So, what do I do with such heavy news so soon after the heartache of losing our baby girl?

I have been in prayer more over the past few days than probably any other time in my life. I have thought often of the lessons that I have been learning about God through the life and death of Addie. I know that God is good and that he is sovereign and I know that life belongs to Him. I have also been thinking about a couple of verses in II Corinthians 12. Paul was given a "thorn in his flesh" and here is what he had to say about it.

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, to that Christ's power may rest on me.

I noticed that Paul pleaded with the Lord to remove this thing that was so painful. He was open and honest with His God and asked Him to remove this thorn from his life. God responded and the thorn was not removed. Paul heard the Lord and his perspective changed. He no longer pleaded but boasted gladly of his weakness.

So, I think it is ok to plead with the Lord. It is ok to beg for healing or whatever the "thorn in the flesh" may be. And if the thing we are pleading for does not line up with His will, He will let us know. He will tell us what we need to hear and it is at that point that our perspective needs to change.

Please join with me in pleading with God that He would heal my dad.

Ask

It felt good to be in the word this morning and to spend time with a God I love so much. I read II Chronicles 1 which is where Solomon steps up as king. God said to him...

"Ask for whatever you want me to give you."

I love that God has Solomon ask Him for what he wanted. He didn't just say "Solomon, you name it and it is yours." I think God was interested in the relationship that develops in His children asking things of Him. God reserves the right to give what is requested, withhold, or even give beyond our dreams. With Solomon He gave what was requested and much more. Regardless of God's response, we receive blessing in deepening our relationship with Him.

Many years after the reign and death of king Solomon I sit here on the other side of the world typing on a computer. I believe that God still wants His children to ask of Him and that is what I have done. I sit as a child on the lap of my Father and ask that He would give us more children. That we would have the privilege of seeing those children grow up. That they would be healthy and come to a deep and beautiful walk with the Savior.

His Glory

Here's 2 more pictures of our Addie. They were both taken the last hour of her life, when we were together in our hospital room. There are waves of reality that wash over me. Deeper and deeper levels of the reality that she's gone. Death on this earth is so final. I won't see her again here. But praise God, that this life isn't the end. That there is joy forever with Jesus. I'm so thankful, too, that although I desire to be a mother to my own children, there is joy and satisfaction in this life with or without marriage, children, possessions, perfect jobs, etc... I need reminders of that now in these days. That God didn't take Addie from us to simply injure us. He hasn't brought us grief as if it pleased Him to do so. But He has provided eternal life here and forever in Christ. I have many thoughts/wonderings these days about His glory; about my fear and the future; about hope;... I will try to keep writing some of these thoughts down in this blog. It's good for me to write and we hear stories of how God is using this in your lives as well. And that makes me happy, as a mother, to hear how God is using Addie's short life for His glory.

Thick Fog

We are finally back in CA after 3 weeks of travel. It was a long time to be away from home, but we are blessed to be able to spend it with such dear family and friends.

As I think back on the summer it seems surreal. Many of the memories seem hazy as I think back on them. It is as if I am looking through a thick fog and can't quite make out all the details. I see shapes and muted colors, but the sharp and bright colors somehow elude me. As if it happened to someone else and not me. It is such a strange thought in my head that we had a daughter and that she died in our arms. Who ever expects life to hold such a sad memory? Somewhere in the depths of my mind I think, "did that really happen? was it all just a bad dream?"

And here we are... sitting in our little apartment watching TV as if everything was normal. The same shows are on and life seems to march on without skipping a beat.

My lot

Here's another picture of our little girl. We think she's pretty adorable.

Some days I still feel like pouting like a 3 year old. And some days losing Addie just feels okay, even though I don't like it at all. And some days I just feel kind of sad. I still feel like there is a long road ahead of me. And I know there will always be a hole in my heart/life as a mother who misses raising her daughter. But I also know that Addie hasn't lost out. In heaven, Addie is "happier than the happiest person on earth," (in John Piper's words). So as we mourn losing her in this life, it helps me to remember that she hasn't lost anything.

And God's Word is true and full of health to my soul. Psalm 16:5-9 says: "LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure," Pray that I hold tightly to truth about God and will set Him always before me.

Traveling

We have been on the road for about 9 days now. We have been in Wisconsin up until yesterday when we arrived in Kansas. It has been a good trip filled with friends who have been praying and hurting with us. We have gotten to hug many people whom we love and who love us. We are so blessed to have so many people around us who love us.

We just wanted to say thank you to eveyone who reads this. I know we have said this before and we will probably say it again. Thank you. Your love and prayers have helped us more than you know. Please continue to pray for us as the Lord leads. The grieving process is a long one and we are far from being through it.

Let us praise the Lord together today and seek to serve Him. We have had some rich times with Him and He made us to walk with Him.

6 weeks

Six weeks ago today I went into labor. But we don't have a 6 week old baby daughter. I know no more now about baby sleep cycles, feeding schedules or messy diapers than I knew 6 weeks ago. I don't write this to make you, the reader, sad or angry. I only write it because it's the thought that crosses my mind many times each day. Addie isn't here and I miss her. I also miss being her mom. I miss doing all the things that mothers do. I know that if she was here, I wouldn't be quite as thankful for missed sleep and another diaper to change. But I can say that I wish I wasn't getting as much sleep. And I wish I was listening to cries and baby grunts. And I wish...

But she's not here.

This is quite the dramatic piece so far... But it's true - the reality of her death sweeps over me as I see other children. There are so many babies and children. But Addie's with Jesus.

So where do I go? What do I do? The sermon in church today was on Jesus' authority. The pastor's closing question was: Will you admit and submit to His authority in your life? I kind of feel like I have to submit to His authority with Addie - there's nothing I can do to hold her again in this life. The question more is what will I do with my today and my future? Who/what will I worship? Will I seek first God's Kingdom and His righteousness? or will I live only for my own dreams? God gives dreams and longings but they aren't meant to be worshiped as if they are all that matters.

Pray that we will seek God - His Kingdom and righteousness first. It does not come naturally to us. You can pray and ask God, too, that He would give us other children to love and raise. And you can pray that they, too, would seek God first.

Whom Have I In Heaven But You?

A few days ago I spent some time dwelling on Psalm 73:25. The verse starts out with the question, "Whom have I in heaven but you?" What an interesting question to consider after losing a baby daughter. After all, I imagine heaven being filled with many people I love including Addie. The Bible makes clear that not everyone will go to heaven and I would imagine that even some people that I love very dearly will not be there. However, I know that there will also be many people whom I love in heaven with me. So, "whom have I in heaven but you" is a very interesting thing to ask.

I thought of Luke 14 where Jesus says boldly that we are to hate our mother, father, sister, and brother. And Mattew 10 where He says that anyone who loves his mother, father, son, or daughter more than they love Him is not worthy of Him. Jesus is not teaching that we hate our family. He is simply saying that our love for Him should be so intense that all other loves pale in comparison... that they even look like hate when we compare them. With these passages in mind the question "whom have in in heaven but you?" makes perfect sense.

I loved our little girl very much and I miss her deeply. Often, she is the first thing that I think about in the morning when I wake up. I also think of her often throughout the day. I think of what she might have been like, I think of the little time we had with her, I think of what she might be experiencing right now in heaven. I enjoy these thoughts and they are strangely soothing.

The answer to the question above is that I will have many in heaven whom I love dearly. Our Adella Mae Crouch will be there and many others. But, my greatest love will be there too. His name is Jesus and though I have only seen a small piece of all that He is, I love Him more dearly than any other. In heaven I will see Him much more clearly and my love for Him will be overwhelming.

Indeed, whom have I in heaven but You Lord?

Human Kindness - God's Healing

"It was I who taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by the arms; but they did not realize it was I who healed them. I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them." Hosea 11:3,4

I "found" this verse during a study of God's love a few years ago. I saw how God's love for me is real and true; that He is the one who teaches, feeds, heals and lifts burdens- like a father with his little child. But this verse also shows that He often shows His love "with cords of human kindness." He demonstrates His love for me through the people around me.

I/we have been so well loved by God through all of you. It seems that many people who experience losing a baby feel isolated and forgotten. You - our families and friends - have loved us and taken care of us. Many of your cards and emails have made me cry - each day it seems like there's at least one that just touches my heart in a new way. It's not a bad cry - but a healing cry. Thank you for writing your own stories, words of encouragement, favorite Bible verses and just for remembering us. Thanks for sending books and flowers. Your kindness has helped carry our sorrow. Thank you, too, for praying for us. We know we walk through this time being lifted up to God in prayer. His grace is enough for each day.

Days are getting easier. Life, strangely, feels normal and very abnormal. We miss Addie and miss being her mom and dad. But we are doing well in living each day for what it is. Thank you for your works of kindness to us.

But Those Who Hope In The Lord

I am so thankful to have a relationship with God through the blood of His Son. Over the past month I have been especially thankful. He offers hope to me even in rough times. He has made clear that I do not need to despair over the lose of my daughter. I am sad that I do not have her now and I am sad that I will not get to see her grow up. I am sad that I will not get to know what makes her laugh. Sad that I will not get to take her camping or fishing. I am sad for many reasons, but my soul needs not despair.

Even in sadness I know my God. I have walked with Him and I know who He is. He is a good God who loves His children. He made Addie and loved her. He made and loves me and Kristin. He is a God of wonder. Who can make things as beautiful as my God? I have prayed many times that the Lord would use Addie's life to draw people closer to Him. I know that there are people out there who will hear of her life who do not have this kind of relationship with Him. I pray that the Lord would use her life to draw those people into His kingdom to live and walk with Him forever. What more could a daddy want than for his child's life to expand God's great kingdom and bring glory to our great God?

It may sound strange, but I am more convinced of God's goodness right now than I was a few months ago. I cannot imagine trying to walk through something like this without God. He truly is my strength.

"He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint."

Isiaih 40:29-31

4 1/2 Years Ago

Four and a half years ago I proposed to Kristin. It was just after her birthday and she thought that she was I was simply taking her out to celebrate but I had different plans. I had found a nice little piece of beach that was at the base of some small cliffs. It would disappear during high tide and was not easily accessible even during low tide.

This can be a very long story, but I will spare you all the details. Eventually we made it to this secluded little beach and Kristin still had no idea what I had in mind. After a little time passed, I asked her to marry me and she said yes.

Just two days ago Kristin and I headed back to that little beach only this time it was under much different circumstances. This time we carried the ashes of our little girl who had been born exactly 4 weeks earlier. We prayed on the way there, as we walked down to the beach, and when we finally got there. It was a sad time for Addie's mom and dad and we know that our Father's heart hurt with us.

I am so thankful to have a wife like Kristin in these times. Four and a half years ago I had only seen a small piece of who Kristin was. I had no idea the quality or depth of character. All I knew was that I liked what I had seen and that I felt God's hand on our relationship. There is no one else that I would rather be with in these days.

Dear Addie

Dear Addie,
I cried today like I have every day for the past 24 days. I miss you. Today, I just cried when I talked to my friend, Amy, and when I wrote in my journal about our last hour together in the hospital. But today was a good day. I felt happy, too. I laughed and even enjoyed washing the kitchen floor. Yesterday was hard. I felt like my time carrying you and giving you birth was a dream. But it wasn't. It was as real as anything I've lived through. But I wanted to pretend that your death hadn't happened. It was hard to face it again, deeper.

Your daddy and I are doing well. We're thankful that God has given us a good relationship, in the midst of losing you. And we feel like He has protected us from lies and division. We have a lot of fun together - your daddy makes my life fun. I'm kind of boring sometimes without him.

Lots of people have told me that they look forward to seeing you in heaven. Some have even said that they look forward to dancing with you. Those words always made me cry with joy but I didn't know exactly how everyone could say that. Were people just saying nice things for me? But now, Addie, I have done more reading and thinking and studying and I know why all those people have said that. And I believe, too, that you are enjoying God's presence and worshiping Him now and forever. You are safe in the arms of God. And it makes me so happy, too. I know that I, too, will one day see God face to face because of Jesus' death and life.

Today, I read about Jesus in the book of John. It says that he laid down his life, of his own accord. Jesus laid down His life, gave it up, for us. Imagine choosing to die on a cross. And I definitely don't have the power to come back to life. But Jesus did that. It struck me today because I also wouldn't be able to lay down your life - I wouldn't have chosen this path of losing you. But God has decided in His Sovereign Goodness, to take you. I couldn't and can't control God. But Jesus, in His power, gave His own life. It hit me again today.

I love you, Addie. Sing loud for me.
Your mommy

His grace

I used to hold my finger at the place in my textbook to know how many pages I had left to read (while in college). And during an action movie, I often want to check the time to see how much longer until the end, the conclusion. If I'm going on a run in a new area, I quickly lose motivation to keep running when I don't know how much farther I have to go until I'm home. And in the middle of this grieving process of losing Addie, I wish I could know what the future holds for us. I think it's related to my desire to have control. But losing Addie was/is completely out of my control. Her death has felt very humbling. I would like to know the future so I can pace myself now in knowing what amounts of joy and grief I will face in the coming years. But God doesn't allow me to see that. And if He did, I wouldn't need Him. I wouldn't need to trust Him and I wouldn't have a relationship with Him. But He doesn't give us foreknowledge and I do definitely need Him. Also, my desire to know the future and pace myself shows that I would rather depend on myself than on His future kindness and grace toward me. His knowledge and joy in me means that He gives me enough for each day, protecting me and enjoying me. I'm thankful for His wisdom and sovereignty even when I want to fight it. (Kristin)

The Coffee Shop

This morning Kristin and I went over to the coffee shop again for a couple of hours. We usually split an iced Americano with a bit of white chocolate in it... sounds good huh? We have done this many times over the past few weeks and I think it has been very healthy for us... not the Americano, but the time spent processing.

I usually spend some time reading my Bible, praying, memorizing scripture, thinking, and journaling. So far we have written 15 pages each in our journals and I feel like I have many more thoughts in my head that I need to put on paper. These times have helped me process through my thoughts with God. The word is so rich and has so much guidance and help to offer. I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to sit before God and soak up His word. I have written down about 10 verses that have been particularly meaningful to me in the past month and I plan on memorizing them over the next month or so.

Today I spent some time meditating on Psalm 73:25

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides
you.

This does not mean that I am supposed to snuff out all desires in life other than God. I have plenty of desires and many of them are good. However, God deserves and is meant to be my number one desire. He belongs in this spot and I want Him to be there. It has been good reflecting on this verse in these times. I can easily let created things become my primary desire above the creator... even good things like having a daughter. But this is a time of letting that desire rest with God. I can trust that He is not out to punish me or that He is looking to withhold His goodness from me. I can trust God even with my desire to have and hold a baby girl of my own. He has said not yet and I dont' know what the future holds, but I can trust Him.

The Lord gives and the Lord Takes Away

Being A Father

Kristin and I are doing really well right now. But if you were to ask us again later this afternoon, we may give you a very different answer. The grieving process is not as steady as we might like. One moment we are laughing and joking and the next we are hit with a memory and crying. These ups and downs are slowly becoming less extreme, but I am not sure that they will ever totally level off.

One of the best questions that we have been asked is, "what have you learned about God through this?" I say it is one of the best, because it is one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves. I have learned many new things about God and I am still deep in the learning process. Here are a few of the thoughts running through my head...

• I understand more of what it means to be a father. One of God's names is Father or Daddy. My heart and mind changed with the birth of Addie and I became a father. I became a protector. I would have done anything for that little girl. Why? Because I was her daddy.


• I also know what it means to lose my baby. God sent His Son to earth to live and die. He lived a sinless life and was killed by men. He knows my feelings and understands them beyond my comprehention.


• God is as good today as he was a month ago as he was 1000 years ago. His goodness does not depend on my opinion or the circumstances I find myself in.


• God is the refuge to which I was meant to run. He is my strength and the rock on which I stand. Without Him there is no hope and life is meaningless.

2 weeks

It's been 2 weeks since Addie was born. The past week, Brandon and I have been getting used to life without our baby daughter and without our families here. It's strange since we have no memories of Addie here in our apartment (except inside me). But we grieve what we were looking forward to, what we were expecting and awaiting. Some days have felt harder than others. We've spent a good amount of time journalling, reading, praying together and talking. I am so thankful for our marriage, for Brandon. He is both strong and gentle.

I also have learned more of how I see God, in positive and negative ways. I am so thankful that I knew before Addie's death that God is the worthy One to whom I will run. That He is the Source of what I need. And I have seen that grief is humbling, that I cannot control God or tell Him what to do or explain. I am so thankful that with Him is hope. But it is hard to hope in God and not in other things. It seems to take much diligence and training; and I feel like I am in the midst of it.

Psalm 23: 4,6 - "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;... surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."

Where Else Would I Go?

It was only two weeks ago that Kristin was experiencing her first real contractions. It is hard to believe all that has happened since then. We are different people in many ways. We have grieved hard and cried many tears, but the days are getting easier. We have gotten to know each other in new ways and our relationship has never been sweeter. We have also gotten to know God in deeper and more intimate ways. He is really the only source of comfort for us. Even though it is scary to trust Him at times, we would have it no other way. I think of Peter's response when Jesus asked if he wanted to leave Him too... Peter said "where else would I go? Who else has the words of life?" That is my own little paraphrase, but you get the point. It is difficult to follow and trust God with something as precious as our daughters life... but who else can we trust? Certainly we cannot even trust ourselves.

We would still love to wake up in the morning and hear little Addie in the other room. We would still love to hold her close. We would still love to get to know all of her little sounds. There are so many things that we would love if Addie were still around, but God had different plans. And again we hold to the fact that those plans are good. We are confused at times and sad at times, but we hold no anger toward our good God.