His grace

I used to hold my finger at the place in my textbook to know how many pages I had left to read (while in college). And during an action movie, I often want to check the time to see how much longer until the end, the conclusion. If I'm going on a run in a new area, I quickly lose motivation to keep running when I don't know how much farther I have to go until I'm home. And in the middle of this grieving process of losing Addie, I wish I could know what the future holds for us. I think it's related to my desire to have control. But losing Addie was/is completely out of my control. Her death has felt very humbling. I would like to know the future so I can pace myself now in knowing what amounts of joy and grief I will face in the coming years. But God doesn't allow me to see that. And if He did, I wouldn't need Him. I wouldn't need to trust Him and I wouldn't have a relationship with Him. But He doesn't give us foreknowledge and I do definitely need Him. Also, my desire to know the future and pace myself shows that I would rather depend on myself than on His future kindness and grace toward me. His knowledge and joy in me means that He gives me enough for each day, protecting me and enjoying me. I'm thankful for His wisdom and sovereignty even when I want to fight it. (Kristin)