Me again/Resources

I (Kristin) haven't written anything here in almost 2 months. And I'm going to try and not feel like I have to summarize 2 months worth of processing and grieving. Thank you to all who are still praying for us these past days, even though it's been almost 4 months since Addie died. What can I say? I miss her so much and I have to fight to remember truth about God more than ever, it feels. Adjusting to life after losing your baby is a little like a battle and a little like a long journey - in both there are stages, small victories/breakthroughs and blows/wrong turns. Each day is different and is affected by what I see, dwell on, and maybe just my emotional state.

I feel like I've had and still have MANY choices to make concerning who I am and will be because of Addie. A couple years ago, I realized that discontentment is a pattern in my life. And I asked God for help b/c I didn't want to be a bitter, joyless, discontent old woman someday. I think God is wanting to have some deeper discussions about who I am right now. And that scares me because I then feel like I have to figure everything out before He would give us more children. But I have to remember that God gives on the basis of grace; His economy is not based on effort. And so I wait and ask and try to listen and lean and let go. Most of the choices right now that I face concern my attitude about my time/responsibilities without Addie. I don't have her to care for and so I can either sit and pout and wish things were different and give in to bitter ways; or I can make the most of every day - spend quality time with God, love Brandon well, pursue college girls at UCR, keep our apartment nice... Contentment doesn't mean that I have to love my loss as a mother; it means that I accept life for what it is, what God has given and still live well.

I'm reading Pilgrims Progress by John Bunyan. It's a Christian classic that is an allegory of a life lived for the King. The main character "Christian" is on a journey to the City of Celestial Lights and he encounters all kinds of people, trials and joys on his way. In the last few pages I read, he and his companion Hopeful go off the main road and end up trespassing on Giant Despair's property. They become his prisoners, are thrown into his dungeon in Doubting Castle and he beats on them day after day. They are downcast, hopeless and near death but Christian remembers (after days and days of hopelessness) that he carries a key called Promise that can unlock every door in Doubting Castle. And they escape with their lives.

I haven't had many days of feeling like I'm in the Giant Despair's dungeon. But there have been a few. And I am finding out on this road that God and His promises are indeed a key that unlocks each door. I am learning this and still need to learn more.

Well, this is getting long. Before I go, I've been meaning to write a few resources that have been helpful to us. All of them were gifts from some of you - books, songs and remembrance gifts. Thank you. I just want to write them here so others can be encouraged/helped by them.

• A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser - not specific to infant loss but a great book
• Holding On to Hope: A pathway through suffering to the heart of God - by Nancy Guthrie - a study of Job's life written through the personal suffering of losing 2 babies
• Safe in the Arms of God by John MacArthur - answers theologically: do babies go to heaven?
• Streams in the Desert - by L.B. Cowman - a Christian classic - another devotional. not specific to miscarriage/infant loss but wonderful
• Mommy, Please Don't Cry... There Are No Tears in Heaven - by Linda DeYmaz - a precious illustrated book - the title explains it sufficiently
• I'll Hold You in Heaven - by Debbie Heydrick
• Grieving the Child I Never Knew - by Kathe Wunnenberg - a devotional book
• An infant's funeral meditation by John Piper: http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/2003/1687_Funeral_Meditation_for_Owen_Glenn_Shramek/
• "Glory Baby" - a sweet song by Watermark
• I've been listening a lot to the group: Enter the Worship Circle. their songs have helped me worship God in my grief.
• remembrance gifts - jewelry, ornaments, etc. have been precious to us. thanks.

Many Decisions

God continues to teach me/us on His sovereignty. He is in full control and has authority over everything in heaven and on earth. Nothing is outside of His authority. It would be nice if we could decide to trust in His sovereignty once and be done with it. But it doesn't work that way. Kristin and I have had to decide many many times over the past 4 months that God is sovereign. We had to trust that he was sovereign in the intense moments of Addie's birth and we have also had to trust as we let go of dreams... and in countless other moments we have had to trust.

I am sure that we will have to decide to believe in His sovereignty many more times in our lives and even many more times as we continue to process life without Addie. But, all that to say, God is sovereign and can be trusted. We continue to take each step at a time and some are easier than others. I am thankful to be a child of God and to have a loving Father that I can turn to.

Time Goes On

It is hard to believe that 3 1/2 months ago we had a little girl. So much has happened since then that it seems much more time has passed. I am still thankful for that one day that Kristin and I got to spend with our precious little gift named Adella Mae. It has changed us in very deep ways for the better.

I am thankful for the people in my life who have taken the time to show me how to have a deep relationship with the Lord. If that foundation had not been laid I think that I would have crumbled under the weight of the loss. All we have known to do is desperately cling to God and that has been enough.

I would not want to face life without my Lord and Savior. While I am sure I would survive, the quality of life does not compare.

Hard News

Again I ask that everyone reading this would join me in prayer for my dad. I just spoke with him this morning and he said that the doctor gave him a 1 in 5 chance of surviving this cancer. As far as the doctors can tell it is a rare form of melanoma. This is very hard news to receive and even harder to wrap our minds around. We know that God is all powerful and that He is the great Healer.

Sometimes this is easier to believe than others, but it is true all the same. Pray again that my family and I would believe that God is a good God and that He is sovereign.