26 weeks!

Last weekend was our 5th wedding anniversary! We drove to CO for a friend's wedding and along the way and back, we camped at 2 national parks. We had a great time. So this is my official 26 week photo... I'm still feeling really well throughout this pregnancy and am thankful for that. My body doesn't seem to mind being pregnant too much! It's fun to feel our little boy move and kick and turn each day. He's big enough now that I can sometimes tell what body part is where. Thanks to you all for your continued prayers and love. I still feel like I have so much to process and live as loss has become part of my "normal." We are excited to enter the 3rd trimester and get closer and closer to the day we welcome this little guy.

4th of July party

So I'm not very savvy on this blog thing... I don't know how to get the pictures next to one another... oh well. We had our first 4th of July party and around 40 people came. It was a lot of fun. Last year, the 4th of July was a sad day and I wasn't too eager to re-live it. Brandon's family always had/have a big bash and since we couldn't be in Kansas this year for the 4th, we decided to have our own. The first picture is of our back patio, ready for the crowd. There's also a picture of me and my good friend, Heather, who is pregnant with her 4th and is due just about the same exact time as me (and we're both having boys). The cake was Addie's birthday cake. My good friend, Amy, came over to our house on the 3rd to make it with me. I wanted to make Addie a birthday cake but wasn't sure I wanted to do it alone. Amy and I share a love of good recipes, yummy food and we've both suffered the loss of a baby. So she made what could have been a difficult night a really good time for the 2 of us. (Thanks, Amy). And the cake was DELICIOUS. We served it with homemade ice cream and it was just nice to have something honoring Addie at our party. Lastly, there's a picture of my best friend and the best husband (who looks like he's having a good time at the party).

Thanks to those of you who prayed us through the week with Addie's birthday and anniversary of her death. It was an intense time and I'm glad we've made it through it. We will celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary this weekend. We'll update more soon with a pregnancy picture.

Addie's First Birthday

From my journal, written this morning... We "should" be celebrating our precious, beautiful, first daughter's first birthday today. We would have had a cake and let her stick her whole face in it (if she wanted). We would have sung and maybe danced together and if she was walking, we'd chase her around. We would have held her and prayed for her - thanking You for her first year and lifting up her second.

But we're sitting here, just the two of us. No Addie, for she's with You. Yet I feel our son moving and kicking inside me. God, what a strange life - so different and difficult. Yet You've carried me through faithfully.

Today is a day I never expected to live. In some ways, my life is more painful and difficult and scary and sad because of Addie. And in other ways, my life is richer and deeper and truer and more beautiful because of Addie. And this is the way it goes from here on.

My heart breaks over and over. Tears are my companion, always nearby, within a moment's reach. My arms ache and my mind still wonders and struggles over: "What happened?" I don't understand. I miss her so much.

Hebrews 12:3,9 - "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God... How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live."

The picture above was taken in our back yard this afternoon. I'm 23 weeks (the start of the 6th month) and feeling our little guy move around quite a bit. We're standing in front of our garden, which is Brandon's pride and which also is a picture of life and faith to me. The small yellow flowering tree next to us was a gift given to us by some friends yesterday in memory of Addie and out of love for us. Thank you again and again to you all who have held us this year, cried with us, believed God alongside us and lifted us up in prayer. We grieve and rejoice today for our Adella Mae.

It's a boy!

As you can see from the picture, we've entered baby blue land (vs. pink). We found out yesterday at our 20 week ultrasound that I have a little man growing inside me! Everything looked good on the ultrasound and we feel thankful to God, happy and relieved. We're also thankful for all your prayers for us and our little one. We look forward to meeting him sometime around the 20th of October. We'll keep you posted.

18 week pictures @ 20 weeks

Hello again. These pictures were taken 2 weeks ago and I'm finally uploading them to show you. On Monday, we have our ultrasound and we'll post the outcome... boy? or girl? We're excited to find out. But I'm afraid to go just because I fear bad news. But God has been faithful and good. And I know He will take care of me. If you think of me on Monday, though, please pray that I would trust Him and not be afraid. For He is with me! Psalm 112:7 - "She will have no fear of bad news; her heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. Her heart is secure, she will have no fear."

One year ago

One year ago today was our first day in Riverside as residents. We moved on the 9th with the help of some ASU students. On May 10th, we woke up to start our new life here. I was 34 weeks pregnant and we were eagerly anticipating Addie's arrival. We were excited to discover and explore all of Riverside and UCR. We looked forward to meeting students, making new friends, finding a church and hopefully buying a great home near campus. It was a new adventure.

It's a little sad for me to remember moving here. This morning in bed, we talked about how God's wisdom means that we don't know the future. We look ahead and we must look to Him. We didn't know that we would face such deep and life-altering loss in the coming months when we moved. We are different people now than one year ago. We are more acquainted with grief. We are more used to living in this strangeness of God's goodness alongside suffering and sorrow. Our souls have expanded to be able to encompass more.

We also look at this last year in amazement and thankfulness. We drive around Riverside and know (sometimes) where we're going. We have good friends who even live near us. We live in a great home that God provided just a half mile from UCR. We have good connections at UCR and have solid friendships with students there. God has given us a deep love and burden for this university and city. We have been cared for by people here in Southern CA during this past year in tangible ways. We have connected into a wonderful little church in our neighborhood. People from around the country and even world have continued to love and pray and hold us up. And we know God in deeper and new ways.

I apologize that I haven't continued writing on this blog. I know it connected many of you that are far away to us. I have continued journalling personally and I should have kept it up here on this blog. Time passed and I didn't know where to start again. This grief is so deep and multi-leveled. Many times, I can express what is going on at the moment. But I felt as though I had to summarize on the blog and I didn't know how. So I'm going to restart. Thank you for your hearts that are for us. and that have continued to be with us.

So how am I? Hmmm... Well, I sometimes still sob with heartache in missing my little sweet girl. It's strange to see and experience others around me with their children who are growing - it of course makes me wonder what Addie would be like right now. And I feel like that ache, in some measure, will always remain. Even with more children in our home, there will always be an ache inside me for Addie. But other times, I feel stronger and accepting of what has happened and I feel fairly normal. I feel like I have experienced and lived through great loss but am okay. I know I have a very good life and I appreciate things more. Some days, I am hopeful and look with anticipation for what is to come. And other days, I feel very pessimistic. Generally, I feel different. changed. older. "weathered." wiser. deeper. like I understand others' grief more. more compassionate. And I can hardly believe that I carried a second little baby for only 6 weeks. That just feels like a strange and random wrenching dream. I am also sometimes honestly thankful for this pain. not that I'd ever choose or wish that Addie had died or for the miscarriage. But I realize that God has done deeper things within me than I could have believed. He's also connected me to people in ways that would have only been done through this sorrow.

This is probably long enough. I can write more soon... But one more thing to tell you all - I'm pregnant. And as I laid in bed this morning and thought about this day one year ago, it was strange to imagine that I hold a new little one growing inside me. I'm both excited and sometimes fearful. I'm 17 weeks along and looking forward to find out if this little bundle is a boy or girl. Please pray for me, for Brandon and for this one still inside. Love, me

Me again/Resources

I (Kristin) haven't written anything here in almost 2 months. And I'm going to try and not feel like I have to summarize 2 months worth of processing and grieving. Thank you to all who are still praying for us these past days, even though it's been almost 4 months since Addie died. What can I say? I miss her so much and I have to fight to remember truth about God more than ever, it feels. Adjusting to life after losing your baby is a little like a battle and a little like a long journey - in both there are stages, small victories/breakthroughs and blows/wrong turns. Each day is different and is affected by what I see, dwell on, and maybe just my emotional state.

I feel like I've had and still have MANY choices to make concerning who I am and will be because of Addie. A couple years ago, I realized that discontentment is a pattern in my life. And I asked God for help b/c I didn't want to be a bitter, joyless, discontent old woman someday. I think God is wanting to have some deeper discussions about who I am right now. And that scares me because I then feel like I have to figure everything out before He would give us more children. But I have to remember that God gives on the basis of grace; His economy is not based on effort. And so I wait and ask and try to listen and lean and let go. Most of the choices right now that I face concern my attitude about my time/responsibilities without Addie. I don't have her to care for and so I can either sit and pout and wish things were different and give in to bitter ways; or I can make the most of every day - spend quality time with God, love Brandon well, pursue college girls at UCR, keep our apartment nice... Contentment doesn't mean that I have to love my loss as a mother; it means that I accept life for what it is, what God has given and still live well.

I'm reading Pilgrims Progress by John Bunyan. It's a Christian classic that is an allegory of a life lived for the King. The main character "Christian" is on a journey to the City of Celestial Lights and he encounters all kinds of people, trials and joys on his way. In the last few pages I read, he and his companion Hopeful go off the main road and end up trespassing on Giant Despair's property. They become his prisoners, are thrown into his dungeon in Doubting Castle and he beats on them day after day. They are downcast, hopeless and near death but Christian remembers (after days and days of hopelessness) that he carries a key called Promise that can unlock every door in Doubting Castle. And they escape with their lives.

I haven't had many days of feeling like I'm in the Giant Despair's dungeon. But there have been a few. And I am finding out on this road that God and His promises are indeed a key that unlocks each door. I am learning this and still need to learn more.

Well, this is getting long. Before I go, I've been meaning to write a few resources that have been helpful to us. All of them were gifts from some of you - books, songs and remembrance gifts. Thank you. I just want to write them here so others can be encouraged/helped by them.

• A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser - not specific to infant loss but a great book
• Holding On to Hope: A pathway through suffering to the heart of God - by Nancy Guthrie - a study of Job's life written through the personal suffering of losing 2 babies
• Safe in the Arms of God by John MacArthur - answers theologically: do babies go to heaven?
• Streams in the Desert - by L.B. Cowman - a Christian classic - another devotional. not specific to miscarriage/infant loss but wonderful
• Mommy, Please Don't Cry... There Are No Tears in Heaven - by Linda DeYmaz - a precious illustrated book - the title explains it sufficiently
• I'll Hold You in Heaven - by Debbie Heydrick
• Grieving the Child I Never Knew - by Kathe Wunnenberg - a devotional book
• An infant's funeral meditation by John Piper: http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/2003/1687_Funeral_Meditation_for_Owen_Glenn_Shramek/
• "Glory Baby" - a sweet song by Watermark
• I've been listening a lot to the group: Enter the Worship Circle. their songs have helped me worship God in my grief.
• remembrance gifts - jewelry, ornaments, etc. have been precious to us. thanks.

Many Decisions

God continues to teach me/us on His sovereignty. He is in full control and has authority over everything in heaven and on earth. Nothing is outside of His authority. It would be nice if we could decide to trust in His sovereignty once and be done with it. But it doesn't work that way. Kristin and I have had to decide many many times over the past 4 months that God is sovereign. We had to trust that he was sovereign in the intense moments of Addie's birth and we have also had to trust as we let go of dreams... and in countless other moments we have had to trust.

I am sure that we will have to decide to believe in His sovereignty many more times in our lives and even many more times as we continue to process life without Addie. But, all that to say, God is sovereign and can be trusted. We continue to take each step at a time and some are easier than others. I am thankful to be a child of God and to have a loving Father that I can turn to.

Time Goes On

It is hard to believe that 3 1/2 months ago we had a little girl. So much has happened since then that it seems much more time has passed. I am still thankful for that one day that Kristin and I got to spend with our precious little gift named Adella Mae. It has changed us in very deep ways for the better.

I am thankful for the people in my life who have taken the time to show me how to have a deep relationship with the Lord. If that foundation had not been laid I think that I would have crumbled under the weight of the loss. All we have known to do is desperately cling to God and that has been enough.

I would not want to face life without my Lord and Savior. While I am sure I would survive, the quality of life does not compare.

Hard News

Again I ask that everyone reading this would join me in prayer for my dad. I just spoke with him this morning and he said that the doctor gave him a 1 in 5 chance of surviving this cancer. As far as the doctors can tell it is a rare form of melanoma. This is very hard news to receive and even harder to wrap our minds around. We know that God is all powerful and that He is the great Healer.

Sometimes this is easier to believe than others, but it is true all the same. Pray again that my family and I would believe that God is a good God and that He is sovereign.

Plead With Me

It has been a rough summer for us and it looks like it will continue to be rough for a while. Kristin and I received news this past Wednesday that my dad has cancer. We do not know how severe it is but it appears to be fairly concerning. So, what do I do with such heavy news so soon after the heartache of losing our baby girl?

I have been in prayer more over the past few days than probably any other time in my life. I have thought often of the lessons that I have been learning about God through the life and death of Addie. I know that God is good and that he is sovereign and I know that life belongs to Him. I have also been thinking about a couple of verses in II Corinthians 12. Paul was given a "thorn in his flesh" and here is what he had to say about it.

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, to that Christ's power may rest on me.

I noticed that Paul pleaded with the Lord to remove this thing that was so painful. He was open and honest with His God and asked Him to remove this thorn from his life. God responded and the thorn was not removed. Paul heard the Lord and his perspective changed. He no longer pleaded but boasted gladly of his weakness.

So, I think it is ok to plead with the Lord. It is ok to beg for healing or whatever the "thorn in the flesh" may be. And if the thing we are pleading for does not line up with His will, He will let us know. He will tell us what we need to hear and it is at that point that our perspective needs to change.

Please join with me in pleading with God that He would heal my dad.

Ask

It felt good to be in the word this morning and to spend time with a God I love so much. I read II Chronicles 1 which is where Solomon steps up as king. God said to him...

"Ask for whatever you want me to give you."

I love that God has Solomon ask Him for what he wanted. He didn't just say "Solomon, you name it and it is yours." I think God was interested in the relationship that develops in His children asking things of Him. God reserves the right to give what is requested, withhold, or even give beyond our dreams. With Solomon He gave what was requested and much more. Regardless of God's response, we receive blessing in deepening our relationship with Him.

Many years after the reign and death of king Solomon I sit here on the other side of the world typing on a computer. I believe that God still wants His children to ask of Him and that is what I have done. I sit as a child on the lap of my Father and ask that He would give us more children. That we would have the privilege of seeing those children grow up. That they would be healthy and come to a deep and beautiful walk with the Savior.

His Glory

Here's 2 more pictures of our Addie. They were both taken the last hour of her life, when we were together in our hospital room. There are waves of reality that wash over me. Deeper and deeper levels of the reality that she's gone. Death on this earth is so final. I won't see her again here. But praise God, that this life isn't the end. That there is joy forever with Jesus. I'm so thankful, too, that although I desire to be a mother to my own children, there is joy and satisfaction in this life with or without marriage, children, possessions, perfect jobs, etc... I need reminders of that now in these days. That God didn't take Addie from us to simply injure us. He hasn't brought us grief as if it pleased Him to do so. But He has provided eternal life here and forever in Christ. I have many thoughts/wonderings these days about His glory; about my fear and the future; about hope;... I will try to keep writing some of these thoughts down in this blog. It's good for me to write and we hear stories of how God is using this in your lives as well. And that makes me happy, as a mother, to hear how God is using Addie's short life for His glory.

Thick Fog

We are finally back in CA after 3 weeks of travel. It was a long time to be away from home, but we are blessed to be able to spend it with such dear family and friends.

As I think back on the summer it seems surreal. Many of the memories seem hazy as I think back on them. It is as if I am looking through a thick fog and can't quite make out all the details. I see shapes and muted colors, but the sharp and bright colors somehow elude me. As if it happened to someone else and not me. It is such a strange thought in my head that we had a daughter and that she died in our arms. Who ever expects life to hold such a sad memory? Somewhere in the depths of my mind I think, "did that really happen? was it all just a bad dream?"

And here we are... sitting in our little apartment watching TV as if everything was normal. The same shows are on and life seems to march on without skipping a beat.

My lot

Here's another picture of our little girl. We think she's pretty adorable.

Some days I still feel like pouting like a 3 year old. And some days losing Addie just feels okay, even though I don't like it at all. And some days I just feel kind of sad. I still feel like there is a long road ahead of me. And I know there will always be a hole in my heart/life as a mother who misses raising her daughter. But I also know that Addie hasn't lost out. In heaven, Addie is "happier than the happiest person on earth," (in John Piper's words). So as we mourn losing her in this life, it helps me to remember that she hasn't lost anything.

And God's Word is true and full of health to my soul. Psalm 16:5-9 says: "LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure," Pray that I hold tightly to truth about God and will set Him always before me.

Traveling

We have been on the road for about 9 days now. We have been in Wisconsin up until yesterday when we arrived in Kansas. It has been a good trip filled with friends who have been praying and hurting with us. We have gotten to hug many people whom we love and who love us. We are so blessed to have so many people around us who love us.

We just wanted to say thank you to eveyone who reads this. I know we have said this before and we will probably say it again. Thank you. Your love and prayers have helped us more than you know. Please continue to pray for us as the Lord leads. The grieving process is a long one and we are far from being through it.

Let us praise the Lord together today and seek to serve Him. We have had some rich times with Him and He made us to walk with Him.

6 weeks

Six weeks ago today I went into labor. But we don't have a 6 week old baby daughter. I know no more now about baby sleep cycles, feeding schedules or messy diapers than I knew 6 weeks ago. I don't write this to make you, the reader, sad or angry. I only write it because it's the thought that crosses my mind many times each day. Addie isn't here and I miss her. I also miss being her mom. I miss doing all the things that mothers do. I know that if she was here, I wouldn't be quite as thankful for missed sleep and another diaper to change. But I can say that I wish I wasn't getting as much sleep. And I wish I was listening to cries and baby grunts. And I wish...

But she's not here.

This is quite the dramatic piece so far... But it's true - the reality of her death sweeps over me as I see other children. There are so many babies and children. But Addie's with Jesus.

So where do I go? What do I do? The sermon in church today was on Jesus' authority. The pastor's closing question was: Will you admit and submit to His authority in your life? I kind of feel like I have to submit to His authority with Addie - there's nothing I can do to hold her again in this life. The question more is what will I do with my today and my future? Who/what will I worship? Will I seek first God's Kingdom and His righteousness? or will I live only for my own dreams? God gives dreams and longings but they aren't meant to be worshiped as if they are all that matters.

Pray that we will seek God - His Kingdom and righteousness first. It does not come naturally to us. You can pray and ask God, too, that He would give us other children to love and raise. And you can pray that they, too, would seek God first.

Whom Have I In Heaven But You?

A few days ago I spent some time dwelling on Psalm 73:25. The verse starts out with the question, "Whom have I in heaven but you?" What an interesting question to consider after losing a baby daughter. After all, I imagine heaven being filled with many people I love including Addie. The Bible makes clear that not everyone will go to heaven and I would imagine that even some people that I love very dearly will not be there. However, I know that there will also be many people whom I love in heaven with me. So, "whom have I in heaven but you" is a very interesting thing to ask.

I thought of Luke 14 where Jesus says boldly that we are to hate our mother, father, sister, and brother. And Mattew 10 where He says that anyone who loves his mother, father, son, or daughter more than they love Him is not worthy of Him. Jesus is not teaching that we hate our family. He is simply saying that our love for Him should be so intense that all other loves pale in comparison... that they even look like hate when we compare them. With these passages in mind the question "whom have in in heaven but you?" makes perfect sense.

I loved our little girl very much and I miss her deeply. Often, she is the first thing that I think about in the morning when I wake up. I also think of her often throughout the day. I think of what she might have been like, I think of the little time we had with her, I think of what she might be experiencing right now in heaven. I enjoy these thoughts and they are strangely soothing.

The answer to the question above is that I will have many in heaven whom I love dearly. Our Adella Mae Crouch will be there and many others. But, my greatest love will be there too. His name is Jesus and though I have only seen a small piece of all that He is, I love Him more dearly than any other. In heaven I will see Him much more clearly and my love for Him will be overwhelming.

Indeed, whom have I in heaven but You Lord?