Here is a picture we took today in our back yard (by our lemon tree). I continue to feel really good throughout this pregnancy. And finally, I can say and think that we're in the home stretch. I've been doing all the typical getting-ready-for-baby things: washing tiny little clothes, painting the nursery, looking at cribs, as well as trying to finish other projects that I know I won't get to after little mister arrives. But in the last few weeks, I've also felt the charged intensity of pregnancy #2 in the reality of the loss of Adella. I have felt sad, upset, overwhelmed, scared, jealous, paranoid, fatalistic, worn down and just plain emotional. I experienced something traumatic and terrifying when I went through labor and delivered a little girl that didn't have the oxygen she needed. It was a real and difficult experience. But I've realized, too, that many people make drastic and significantly terrible decisions based on difficult experiences. Marriages dissolve, sons/daughters break off relationships with their parents, people end their lives or take others' lives. I can either let my experience rule me and my way of thinking about the future. OR, I can allow the God of all who is kind, true, near and strong lead me and my way of thinking about the future. There is no doubt that Addie has changed me forever. And she definitely influences the way I look at this upcoming labor and birth. But God needs to dictate the reality of my world, not my former experience. I'm not sure that this will all make sense to you. It might sound strange or confusing. Feel free to comment or email me if you like. And also, pray for me, in these final weeks of pregnancy. Pray that I would trust Him, hope IN Him and love Him as I process, grieve, and deal with the range of thoughts and emotions that face me. By the way, the last couple days have again felt lighter and freer. I don't know why except that I believe God graciously gives relief and lightens burdens. Thank you for praying for us and our little guy.
12 comments:
hi kristen. i love reading your thoughts and being pierced by the truths that 1) life involves pain, and 2) Jesus made a way. i love how you don't hide any of this. the depth, sadness, and struggle themes in you are all so very real, honest, and raw. but i also love how you keep looking/pointing to God through all of it. somewhere in the midst of all this, God seems to hold an answer for your longings. i really have no appropriate or inspiring words to share with you, although i really wish i did...
..anyways, i'm praying for you and your family in this time. God bless you friend.
It makes perfect sense, Kristin! Not a bit strange or confusing, but so understandable considering all you've been through. I'm just so glad you're able to recognize all these mixed feelings and be able to be so open with them. And I'm especially glad that you've kept so close to God through it all. Your faith is so strong, and such an example to others. And I can see that God is teaching you many things. Thank you for sharing them.
I continue to think of you and pray for you. And I can't wait to see photos of you two with that little son in your arms!
Love,
Jess's mom
"i can't let my experience rule me, but the God of all who is kind, true, near, and strong..."
this statements brought tears to my eyes and i know it brings tears of joy to the ONE who sits on the throne.
love you.
Hey Kristin,
I just wanted to give you a little word of encouragement. Reading your entry, when you listed all the feelings you've been having, I thought that most if not all of those things are normal for having a second child, even without having had the trauma you did. I remember before having our second baby thinking, "Why did I even think I WANTED another baby?" and wondering if I could ever love that baby as much as the first. And that was along with the normal fears of delivery, etc. So, it seems to me that your feelings are totally normal, especially considering everything you went through with Addie. I'm praying! Keep updating...
Hey Kristin,
I've been thinking about you a lot these days, wondering how pregnancy is going--you look absolutely beautiful.
I can't tell you how much I hear myself in the things you've written here. But you're right, God is on the throne, and so much the better to trust him, hope in him, love him, run to him than to my own "wisdom," plans, or even fears.
Praying for the truth to reign and for this blessed boy to arrive in your arms healthy and full of life.
PS-I loved "A Grace Disguised"--wow, that book was amazing. I can't thank you enough for sharing your extra copy.
Kristen,
Thank you for being such a strength and encouragement to me. Your words really speak volumes. Your determination to allow and see God in all of you experiences is so awesome. I appreciate you being you. Sharing not only the ups, but the downs...yet through it all your continued reliance and strength in God. You are amazing!! I will continue to pray for you and a healthy delivery of the baby. Much love.
Hannah (Fritz) VanGilder
kristen- love your honest words! i'm praying for you as you draw near to delivery time! i can't wait and see this sweet boy! He will never replace addie- and some times you might even feel bad because you feel like you should spend more time thinking or going to see addie. At least i feel this way some times- i just cry and cry. But of course Addie and Simeon are enjoying the best days of their lives at Jesus' feet.
I don't think the pain will ever go away- and as each child comes people often forget... and people will say is this your only child or only children- those are the most painful questions to me.. because as we both know we have more then 1 or 2 children.. but no one sees them.
i'm rambling but this is our hearts as we share this together!
love you sister
think about you often
Hi Kristin and Brandon,
Cody and I are very excited for you. Hoping that you are doing good and praying for your new little guy that will be here soon!!! Much Love!
Leslie
do you guys have a name picked out?
hi kristin,
thank you so much for sharing so openly your thoughts with us. i have been thinking about you and praying for you and brandon and your little mister. i can't wait to come on your blog and meet him!!
love,
lauren
Thank you for sharing from your heart! We're praying for you!
Love, Lisa, Daniel and Sarah
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