From my journal, written this morning... We "should" be celebrating our precious, beautiful, first daughter's first birthday today. We would have had a cake and let her stick her whole face in it (if she wanted). We would have sung and maybe danced together and if she was walking, we'd chase her around. We would have held her and prayed for her - thanking You for her first year and lifting up her second.
But we're sitting here, just the two of us. No Addie, for she's with You. Yet I feel our son moving and kicking inside me. God, what a strange life - so different and difficult. Yet You've carried me through faithfully.
Today is a day I never expected to live. In some ways, my life is more painful and difficult and scary and sad because of Addie. And in other ways, my life is richer and deeper and truer and more beautiful because of Addie. And this is the way it goes from here on.
My heart breaks over and over. Tears are my companion, always nearby, within a moment's reach. My arms ache and my mind still wonders and struggles over: "What happened?" I don't understand. I miss her so much.
Hebrews 12:3,9 - "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God... How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live."
The picture above was taken in our back yard this afternoon. I'm 23 weeks (the start of the 6th month) and feeling our little guy move around quite a bit. We're standing in front of our garden, which is Brandon's pride and which also is a picture of life and faith to me. The small yellow flowering tree next to us was a gift given to us by some friends yesterday in memory of Addie and out of love for us. Thank you again and again to you all who have held us this year, cried with us, believed God alongside us and lifted us up in prayer. We grieve and rejoice today for our Adella Mae.
6 comments:
Beautiful, Kristin. What a tribute to little Adella Mae.
I don't know what else to say. I hope you feel my heart grieving with yours.
Happy birthday to your Addie! Kristin, you write beautifully. I cannot believe that it has been a year. I will forever be praying with you and keeping you close to my heart.
Love to all four of you.
Lauren
Dear Kristin,
On Tuesday of this week, I had a 'healthy' emotional meltdown as I was praising God for delivering me from a serious depression over the past two plus years. During the 'meltdown' I also realized I was grieving the loss of our granddaughter Ana Elise who died last July before she and her identical twin sister Emma were born. We are so thankful for Emma who will be one on July 20. I didn't even realize that I hadn't really grieved the loss of Ana. What a wonderful sense of release those tears brought even tho' the meltdown triggered a migraine :-(
My husband Terry and I will continue to lift you and Brandon up in prayer as you await the arrival of your son. Our third granddaughter, Lucy Mae is due on July 13. Her big sister Riley Jo will be two on July 26th. Quite a busy month ahead.
Sing-cerely,
Kathryn Thorne
Thanks for sharing such personal moments with us. We celebrated Addie's birthday with you from the other side of the country. Love you.
thought about you on Addie's birthday, so wanted to check in on your blog... Kristin, I agree that you are a beautiful writer and you really help us connect with right where you are. Thanks for letting us walk this road with you and Brandon. I feel like I have learned so much through it and learned so much about God and suffering in a way that brings us closer to His heart... Know that I continue to pray for you all... Much love, jen
What a beautiful picture; you have such a radiance about you...Thank you for sharing your reflections. I have been praying for you during this time.
-Shannon
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