His Glory

Here's 2 more pictures of our Addie. They were both taken the last hour of her life, when we were together in our hospital room. There are waves of reality that wash over me. Deeper and deeper levels of the reality that she's gone. Death on this earth is so final. I won't see her again here. But praise God, that this life isn't the end. That there is joy forever with Jesus. I'm so thankful, too, that although I desire to be a mother to my own children, there is joy and satisfaction in this life with or without marriage, children, possessions, perfect jobs, etc... I need reminders of that now in these days. That God didn't take Addie from us to simply injure us. He hasn't brought us grief as if it pleased Him to do so. But He has provided eternal life here and forever in Christ. I have many thoughts/wonderings these days about His glory; about my fear and the future; about hope;... I will try to keep writing some of these thoughts down in this blog. It's good for me to write and we hear stories of how God is using this in your lives as well. And that makes me happy, as a mother, to hear how God is using Addie's short life for His glory.

Thick Fog

We are finally back in CA after 3 weeks of travel. It was a long time to be away from home, but we are blessed to be able to spend it with such dear family and friends.

As I think back on the summer it seems surreal. Many of the memories seem hazy as I think back on them. It is as if I am looking through a thick fog and can't quite make out all the details. I see shapes and muted colors, but the sharp and bright colors somehow elude me. As if it happened to someone else and not me. It is such a strange thought in my head that we had a daughter and that she died in our arms. Who ever expects life to hold such a sad memory? Somewhere in the depths of my mind I think, "did that really happen? was it all just a bad dream?"

And here we are... sitting in our little apartment watching TV as if everything was normal. The same shows are on and life seems to march on without skipping a beat.

My lot

Here's another picture of our little girl. We think she's pretty adorable.

Some days I still feel like pouting like a 3 year old. And some days losing Addie just feels okay, even though I don't like it at all. And some days I just feel kind of sad. I still feel like there is a long road ahead of me. And I know there will always be a hole in my heart/life as a mother who misses raising her daughter. But I also know that Addie hasn't lost out. In heaven, Addie is "happier than the happiest person on earth," (in John Piper's words). So as we mourn losing her in this life, it helps me to remember that she hasn't lost anything.

And God's Word is true and full of health to my soul. Psalm 16:5-9 says: "LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure," Pray that I hold tightly to truth about God and will set Him always before me.

Traveling

We have been on the road for about 9 days now. We have been in Wisconsin up until yesterday when we arrived in Kansas. It has been a good trip filled with friends who have been praying and hurting with us. We have gotten to hug many people whom we love and who love us. We are so blessed to have so many people around us who love us.

We just wanted to say thank you to eveyone who reads this. I know we have said this before and we will probably say it again. Thank you. Your love and prayers have helped us more than you know. Please continue to pray for us as the Lord leads. The grieving process is a long one and we are far from being through it.

Let us praise the Lord together today and seek to serve Him. We have had some rich times with Him and He made us to walk with Him.

6 weeks

Six weeks ago today I went into labor. But we don't have a 6 week old baby daughter. I know no more now about baby sleep cycles, feeding schedules or messy diapers than I knew 6 weeks ago. I don't write this to make you, the reader, sad or angry. I only write it because it's the thought that crosses my mind many times each day. Addie isn't here and I miss her. I also miss being her mom. I miss doing all the things that mothers do. I know that if she was here, I wouldn't be quite as thankful for missed sleep and another diaper to change. But I can say that I wish I wasn't getting as much sleep. And I wish I was listening to cries and baby grunts. And I wish...

But she's not here.

This is quite the dramatic piece so far... But it's true - the reality of her death sweeps over me as I see other children. There are so many babies and children. But Addie's with Jesus.

So where do I go? What do I do? The sermon in church today was on Jesus' authority. The pastor's closing question was: Will you admit and submit to His authority in your life? I kind of feel like I have to submit to His authority with Addie - there's nothing I can do to hold her again in this life. The question more is what will I do with my today and my future? Who/what will I worship? Will I seek first God's Kingdom and His righteousness? or will I live only for my own dreams? God gives dreams and longings but they aren't meant to be worshiped as if they are all that matters.

Pray that we will seek God - His Kingdom and righteousness first. It does not come naturally to us. You can pray and ask God, too, that He would give us other children to love and raise. And you can pray that they, too, would seek God first.

Whom Have I In Heaven But You?

A few days ago I spent some time dwelling on Psalm 73:25. The verse starts out with the question, "Whom have I in heaven but you?" What an interesting question to consider after losing a baby daughter. After all, I imagine heaven being filled with many people I love including Addie. The Bible makes clear that not everyone will go to heaven and I would imagine that even some people that I love very dearly will not be there. However, I know that there will also be many people whom I love in heaven with me. So, "whom have I in heaven but you" is a very interesting thing to ask.

I thought of Luke 14 where Jesus says boldly that we are to hate our mother, father, sister, and brother. And Mattew 10 where He says that anyone who loves his mother, father, son, or daughter more than they love Him is not worthy of Him. Jesus is not teaching that we hate our family. He is simply saying that our love for Him should be so intense that all other loves pale in comparison... that they even look like hate when we compare them. With these passages in mind the question "whom have in in heaven but you?" makes perfect sense.

I loved our little girl very much and I miss her deeply. Often, she is the first thing that I think about in the morning when I wake up. I also think of her often throughout the day. I think of what she might have been like, I think of the little time we had with her, I think of what she might be experiencing right now in heaven. I enjoy these thoughts and they are strangely soothing.

The answer to the question above is that I will have many in heaven whom I love dearly. Our Adella Mae Crouch will be there and many others. But, my greatest love will be there too. His name is Jesus and though I have only seen a small piece of all that He is, I love Him more dearly than any other. In heaven I will see Him much more clearly and my love for Him will be overwhelming.

Indeed, whom have I in heaven but You Lord?