Ask

It felt good to be in the word this morning and to spend time with a God I love so much. I read II Chronicles 1 which is where Solomon steps up as king. God said to him...

"Ask for whatever you want me to give you."

I love that God has Solomon ask Him for what he wanted. He didn't just say "Solomon, you name it and it is yours." I think God was interested in the relationship that develops in His children asking things of Him. God reserves the right to give what is requested, withhold, or even give beyond our dreams. With Solomon He gave what was requested and much more. Regardless of God's response, we receive blessing in deepening our relationship with Him.

Many years after the reign and death of king Solomon I sit here on the other side of the world typing on a computer. I believe that God still wants His children to ask of Him and that is what I have done. I sit as a child on the lap of my Father and ask that He would give us more children. That we would have the privilege of seeing those children grow up. That they would be healthy and come to a deep and beautiful walk with the Savior.

The Coffee Shop

This morning Kristin and I went over to the coffee shop again for a couple of hours. We usually split an iced Americano with a bit of white chocolate in it... sounds good huh? We have done this many times over the past few weeks and I think it has been very healthy for us... not the Americano, but the time spent processing.

I usually spend some time reading my Bible, praying, memorizing scripture, thinking, and journaling. So far we have written 15 pages each in our journals and I feel like I have many more thoughts in my head that I need to put on paper. These times have helped me process through my thoughts with God. The word is so rich and has so much guidance and help to offer. I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to sit before God and soak up His word. I have written down about 10 verses that have been particularly meaningful to me in the past month and I plan on memorizing them over the next month or so.

Today I spent some time meditating on Psalm 73:25

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides
you.

This does not mean that I am supposed to snuff out all desires in life other than God. I have plenty of desires and many of them are good. However, God deserves and is meant to be my number one desire. He belongs in this spot and I want Him to be there. It has been good reflecting on this verse in these times. I can easily let created things become my primary desire above the creator... even good things like having a daughter. But this is a time of letting that desire rest with God. I can trust that He is not out to punish me or that He is looking to withhold His goodness from me. I can trust God even with my desire to have and hold a baby girl of my own. He has said not yet and I dont' know what the future holds, but I can trust Him.

The Lord gives and the Lord Takes Away

Being A Father

Kristin and I are doing really well right now. But if you were to ask us again later this afternoon, we may give you a very different answer. The grieving process is not as steady as we might like. One moment we are laughing and joking and the next we are hit with a memory and crying. These ups and downs are slowly becoming less extreme, but I am not sure that they will ever totally level off.

One of the best questions that we have been asked is, "what have you learned about God through this?" I say it is one of the best, because it is one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves. I have learned many new things about God and I am still deep in the learning process. Here are a few of the thoughts running through my head...

• I understand more of what it means to be a father. One of God's names is Father or Daddy. My heart and mind changed with the birth of Addie and I became a father. I became a protector. I would have done anything for that little girl. Why? Because I was her daddy.


• I also know what it means to lose my baby. God sent His Son to earth to live and die. He lived a sinless life and was killed by men. He knows my feelings and understands them beyond my comprehention.


• God is as good today as he was a month ago as he was 1000 years ago. His goodness does not depend on my opinion or the circumstances I find myself in.


• God is the refuge to which I was meant to run. He is my strength and the rock on which I stand. Without Him there is no hope and life is meaningless.

Where Else Would I Go?

It was only two weeks ago that Kristin was experiencing her first real contractions. It is hard to believe all that has happened since then. We are different people in many ways. We have grieved hard and cried many tears, but the days are getting easier. We have gotten to know each other in new ways and our relationship has never been sweeter. We have also gotten to know God in deeper and more intimate ways. He is really the only source of comfort for us. Even though it is scary to trust Him at times, we would have it no other way. I think of Peter's response when Jesus asked if he wanted to leave Him too... Peter said "where else would I go? Who else has the words of life?" That is my own little paraphrase, but you get the point. It is difficult to follow and trust God with something as precious as our daughters life... but who else can we trust? Certainly we cannot even trust ourselves.

We would still love to wake up in the morning and hear little Addie in the other room. We would still love to hold her close. We would still love to get to know all of her little sounds. There are so many things that we would love if Addie were still around, but God had different plans. And again we hold to the fact that those plans are good. We are confused at times and sad at times, but we hold no anger toward our good God.

My Portion Forever

Our hearts are heavy and the tears still flow. Life is strange to us right now. We have become parents, but the people around us can't tell. We feel that we should have a little one filling our home with sweet noises and little cries. Instead, it is still just the two of us in a strangely quiet home. It is filled with some pictures and many flowers, but no Addie.

But we serve a God that can be trusted. We serve a God that is infinitely good. We will praise God in this time of sorrow. We will praise Him for His goodness and we will not question or curse Him.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

"But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds." Psalm 73:28

Contractions

The moment we have all been waiting for is upon us. Kristin started having contractions today (Sunday) at noon. They were very mild at first, but are becoming more frequent and more intense. We have had a great day... Kristin took a nap (in preperation for one of the most exhausting things she will ever go through), we took a couple of walks, we played monopoly (I won), we got an A&W rootbeer float, and we have been praying frequently.

We find that the most common prayer is that we would remember that God is good and that He is sovereign. No matter what happens or how it happens, God is good and He is sovereign. We can rest in that. Please take a brief moment and pray for us right now. We appreciate you all and the next post on this blog promises to be even more exciting.