But Those Who Hope In The Lord

I am so thankful to have a relationship with God through the blood of His Son. Over the past month I have been especially thankful. He offers hope to me even in rough times. He has made clear that I do not need to despair over the lose of my daughter. I am sad that I do not have her now and I am sad that I will not get to see her grow up. I am sad that I will not get to know what makes her laugh. Sad that I will not get to take her camping or fishing. I am sad for many reasons, but my soul needs not despair.

Even in sadness I know my God. I have walked with Him and I know who He is. He is a good God who loves His children. He made Addie and loved her. He made and loves me and Kristin. He is a God of wonder. Who can make things as beautiful as my God? I have prayed many times that the Lord would use Addie's life to draw people closer to Him. I know that there are people out there who will hear of her life who do not have this kind of relationship with Him. I pray that the Lord would use her life to draw those people into His kingdom to live and walk with Him forever. What more could a daddy want than for his child's life to expand God's great kingdom and bring glory to our great God?

It may sound strange, but I am more convinced of God's goodness right now than I was a few months ago. I cannot imagine trying to walk through something like this without God. He truly is my strength.

"He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint."

Isiaih 40:29-31

The Coffee Shop

This morning Kristin and I went over to the coffee shop again for a couple of hours. We usually split an iced Americano with a bit of white chocolate in it... sounds good huh? We have done this many times over the past few weeks and I think it has been very healthy for us... not the Americano, but the time spent processing.

I usually spend some time reading my Bible, praying, memorizing scripture, thinking, and journaling. So far we have written 15 pages each in our journals and I feel like I have many more thoughts in my head that I need to put on paper. These times have helped me process through my thoughts with God. The word is so rich and has so much guidance and help to offer. I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to sit before God and soak up His word. I have written down about 10 verses that have been particularly meaningful to me in the past month and I plan on memorizing them over the next month or so.

Today I spent some time meditating on Psalm 73:25

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides
you.

This does not mean that I am supposed to snuff out all desires in life other than God. I have plenty of desires and many of them are good. However, God deserves and is meant to be my number one desire. He belongs in this spot and I want Him to be there. It has been good reflecting on this verse in these times. I can easily let created things become my primary desire above the creator... even good things like having a daughter. But this is a time of letting that desire rest with God. I can trust that He is not out to punish me or that He is looking to withhold His goodness from me. I can trust God even with my desire to have and hold a baby girl of my own. He has said not yet and I dont' know what the future holds, but I can trust Him.

The Lord gives and the Lord Takes Away

Where Else Would I Go?

It was only two weeks ago that Kristin was experiencing her first real contractions. It is hard to believe all that has happened since then. We are different people in many ways. We have grieved hard and cried many tears, but the days are getting easier. We have gotten to know each other in new ways and our relationship has never been sweeter. We have also gotten to know God in deeper and more intimate ways. He is really the only source of comfort for us. Even though it is scary to trust Him at times, we would have it no other way. I think of Peter's response when Jesus asked if he wanted to leave Him too... Peter said "where else would I go? Who else has the words of life?" That is my own little paraphrase, but you get the point. It is difficult to follow and trust God with something as precious as our daughters life... but who else can we trust? Certainly we cannot even trust ourselves.

We would still love to wake up in the morning and hear little Addie in the other room. We would still love to hold her close. We would still love to get to know all of her little sounds. There are so many things that we would love if Addie were still around, but God had different plans. And again we hold to the fact that those plans are good. We are confused at times and sad at times, but we hold no anger toward our good God.

Thankful

Things that we are thankful for...

• A healthy and easy pregnancy
• 1 beautiful day with Addie
• A sovereign God
• A good God
• That we were able to hold our little girl close
• Our God hears our prayers
• Our God understands our pain (He lost His Son)
• Going through labor/delivery as a team
• Our relationship with each other has deepened
• Our amazing family
• Our wonderful friends
• All the prayers that have been said on our behalf
• A beautiful daughter
• A surprisingly fast recovery for Kristin
• The time we spent in our room as a family
• The word of God
• That we had such good times with our family (they love each other!)
• That we're learning what it means to grieve and be comforted
• We are parents
• We belong to Christ and heaven is our home
• The sweet pictures of Addie to remember
• Our times together as husband and wife - in prayer, tears and joys
• The wonderful care Addie & Kristin received in the hospital
• People who grieve with us
• The Navigators' love shown toward us
• The kindness of God through His people - phone calls, hugs, flowers, tears, prayers
• We know God in new and deeper ways
• God's Presence that never leaves us
• Students who love us and came to be with us
• The hope that is found in Christ alone
• That Addie is with Jesus

My Portion Forever

Our hearts are heavy and the tears still flow. Life is strange to us right now. We have become parents, but the people around us can't tell. We feel that we should have a little one filling our home with sweet noises and little cries. Instead, it is still just the two of us in a strangely quiet home. It is filled with some pictures and many flowers, but no Addie.

But we serve a God that can be trusted. We serve a God that is infinitely good. We will praise God in this time of sorrow. We will praise Him for His goodness and we will not question or curse Him.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

"But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds." Psalm 73:28