From my journal, written this morning... We "should" be celebrating our precious, beautiful, first daughter's first birthday today. We would have had a cake and let her stick her whole face in it (if she wanted). We would have sung and maybe danced together and if she was walking, we'd chase her around. We would have held her and prayed for her - thanking You for her first year and lifting up her second.
But we're sitting here, just the two of us. No Addie, for she's with You. Yet I feel our son moving and kicking inside me. God, what a strange life - so different and difficult. Yet You've carried me through faithfully.
Today is a day I never expected to live. In some ways, my life is more painful and difficult and scary and sad because of Addie. And in other ways, my life is richer and deeper and truer and more beautiful because of Addie. And this is the way it goes from here on.
My heart breaks over and over. Tears are my companion, always nearby, within a moment's reach. My arms ache and my mind still wonders and struggles over: "What happened?" I don't understand. I miss her so much.
Hebrews 12:3,9 - "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God... How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live."
The picture above was taken in our back yard this afternoon. I'm 23 weeks (the start of the 6th month) and feeling our little guy move around quite a bit. We're standing in front of our garden, which is Brandon's pride and which also is a picture of life and faith to me. The small yellow flowering tree next to us was a gift given to us by some friends yesterday in memory of Addie and out of love for us. Thank you again and again to you all who have held us this year, cried with us, believed God alongside us and lifted us up in prayer. We grieve and rejoice today for our Adella Mae.
